Work, work, work

It seems never-ending, this thing I call a job outside the home. Today was the first day where I didn't do anything work-related since I've been back from maternity leave. Big milestones at our house in the last few weeks: Finn is now sleeping in her own big-girl crib in her own, unfinished, orange shebert colored nursery. It's been a bittersweet transition for me. So nice to have our own space back and not tip-toe around at night for fear of waking her up, but at the same time, sad, because it's the first step away from babyhood for her... already. I can't believe how quickly the time is going. We're trying to savor every moment with both of them, but it's an impossible undertaking. I've been feeling so guilty trying to balance work and my kids. I have to work outside the home, so we can pay our mortgage, but it's even more than that for me. I need to work for my own sanity, ego, whatever. I thought I had it all figured out too. I'd work three days and be home four. It has been the perfect arrangement. But in this economy with so many investment banks closing, skating by has not been an option. At this point, I'm working to keep my job. And it's an awful trade-off. I am so thankful that neither Matt nor myself has been affected in a negative way in all of this chaos. We still are employed. We have health coverage and a beautiful home. But like most families, we've definitely cinched our belts more tightly. And, in reality, I'm preparing myself for the worst... being laid-off, knowing that it's a real possibility. I'm trying to pull my weight and then some with work, just trying to stay under the radar long enough to wait all of this out. But it's a scary time for me. Trying to work without notice has taken its toll on our family as well. It has meant late nights away from my kids, and they definitely notice that I'm not around. And even on the days when I am "around" I haven't been entirely available because I've been so busy. So, guilt has set in. Tremendous guilt. I do know that I am lucky to have had the extended maternity leave with Finley and the fact that my schedule is a much more abbreviated version of a typical work week. But still, I just feel like I'm not doing anything in my life well: children, husband or work, and that's a bitter pill(s) to swallow. Thankfully, today has been a brief respite... obviously, as I'm writing about it. While Matt and Logan slept, Finley and I caught up on all the horrible T.V. that I've missed out over the last few weeks. I mean, at this point, I'm so tired/ busy, I can't even stay up to watch the best part of American Idol: the auditions! And, as Finn is in her BGR (Big Girl Room) now, and so is our computer which does not have a wireless card, blogging or checking email is out of the question past 7, when she goes down for her first round of sleep. Okay, enough wallowing, but seriously... can't wait till we're out of this and on a rebound!



Logan is still enjoying preschool tremendously and we're still reveling in the fact that neither of us have changed a Size 6 diaper since 1/1/09! His teachers say that he is smart and well-spoken (that which we knew) but also kind and so helpful. That makes me beyond happy. Of course, Matt and I have always known that beneath the animal exterior, Logan has a heart of gold and is a good boy, but there were times when he put that theory to the test! I'm learning though that boys are different than girls (duh!) and even though Matt and I have no one else to base our experience on, all of the boy-isms that he has are still a shock to the system sometimes. The child is a huge fan of dropping his trousers and marking his territory wherever he can which is cause for alarm for innocent bystanders, but keeps me laughing all the time. He's making new friends at school... mostly boys, which is apparently very important in the three year old world, and loves his teachers. Matt tells him, "Learn everything," on Tuesdays and Thursdays which I think is such a marvelous challenge and without constraints. And it seems like he does. He's already enrolled for next September (all that hype about "getting in" to preschool isn't so much hype) and he just amazes me with how big he's getting. I often look at him with such longing for the baby days. There is no baby left in him and it's a little sad for me. I try to remind myself to remember THIS moment, THIS day, but in all the flurry of activity, I wonder if that will be possible.



We spent yesterday in Pleasant Hill celebrating Megan's 27th birthday. Matt had a tournament so it was me and the kids along with Milly and Auntie Sal. It was wonderful. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. There is something about my sisters that makes me really be myself and live without abandon. It's not always been like this for us... "normal," but I am grateful for how our relationship has matured.

P.S. It's not 2/22 and I'm finally publishing this. Talk about BUSY! I promise to update later... maybe even tonight after the kiddies are in bed and I'm TiVoing through the Oscars.